Circling the Drain
by Georgeofherjungle
Summary: Dr. Amanda Perry didn't believe in Destiny but it was a cold hard reality.


Destiny was not something she believed in, numbers and percentages where far more comforting in their solid surety. Even she had to give way to cold hard reality that was destiny when in smacked her cruelly across the face. Summoned to the alien ship galaxies away she didn't hesitate leaving her confines behind gifted to freely move about she would move the stars themselves if they asked her. The man that had asked for her, greeted her with a rare warm smile just for her upon arrival wouldn't need to ask her for such in impossible task but she would do it, for him.

Dr. Amanda Perry was given an impossible task no star moving but her whole life had been impossible tasks nothing she wasn't prepared to meet head on and dismantle. With Dr. Nicholas Rush they worked as a complete whole synchronized in thought and motion their previous camaraderie established easily except now the kind gestures and gentle touches could be given and received by both. The longing to touch his hand, grip his shoulder, brush the hair from his face should have been more satisfying, it was to a point, it just felt more tolerated then welcomed. His small gestures in return felt stilted, controlled, lacking. It _hurt._

Perhaps it was the overwhelming responsibility of Destiny everyone hoisted upon his shoulders. Being trapped in your own body you adapted keen observation for lack of other stimuli, watching the world pass you by. It was shocking how much everyone missed those tiny connections, even herself. The first trip those few weeks she had been so deliriously happy wrapped in freedom and Nick's presence his almost undivided attention she nearly missed it, those sad blue eyes. They watched observing just as intensely as she would back home tracing every movement, every step commenting it to memory.

These eyes held the same longing and misery of unvoiced desire and need, these were her own eyes trapped in someone else. Inquiries gave her more answers that just stabbed and tore at her, Belle Gold. Eli was to happy to chatter away about the lab assistant that wasn't. She was a writer or librarian of some kind that had been doing research for the Icarus project, she had a knack for bearing the brunt of hurricane Rush, as was the nickname the crew frequented. She had no formal training in any sciences and didn't speak ancient so she was useless in their research other then resident gopher but Nicholas opted to her presence then any other, even Eli when he wasn't needed which he was ashamed to admitted he frequently dumped upon her. She tolerated him and he her for reasons beyond anyone could tell. Yet during Amanda's visit she hadn't observed Belle Gold take one step toward the control room. She had seen her about the ship watching as they passed by pausing occasionally but no greeting no exchanges of pleasantries or even acknowledgement came from either Belle or Nicholas, strange indeed.

Her second trip a few months proceeded closely as the first, another problem and Nicholas personally required her assistance to solve. He was still pleasant and relaxed in conversation but the touches were hesitant and unsure now. this trip was short and small only a few days but this time she actually saw Belle, just Belle as everyone else said the same, enter the lab delivering food to a concentrating Nicholas and herself. He glanced at her just to see was was being placed at his elbow with no words, he left in there and she walked away, Amanda at least said thank you. He didn't eat until she had to practically shove herself between the console and himself, he barked at her surly for interrupting his work and she baulked at his temper blinking back tears. Nicholas had the decency to take 76 seconds to apologize, poorly before returning to work, drinking his protein.

She wasn't sure she wanted to go back the third time they summoned her but she did, her reluctance over won by the escape offered. She wasn't greeted by Nicholas this time around instead marching strait to the control room knowing full well he was buried in his work. Nicholas wasn't the only one in the control room, others tended their stations during her durations but they stayed on the opposite end avoiding Nicholas unless they needed to see the contents of his screen. Today Nicholas was hunched over his screen wih Belle perched on his shoulder their voices murmuring a conversation beyond her hearing. They both laughed Belle straitening to arch her back as if she had been holding that position for ages. A few strands escaped her haphazard bun fluttering in her face and unconsciously Nicholas reached up to brush them away. They both stilled, possibly afraid to move and scare the other off. Nicholas hand traced down the side of her face cupping her jaw and tracing his thumb along the edge, Belle leaned ever so slightly down he leaned ever so slightly up.

It was suffocating to watching they turned both staring wide eyed at her, apparently she was wheezing, hyperventilating. "Mandy" Nicholas said dropping his hand to propel himself from his chair to come to her aid. Nicholas pushed her to the ground her head against knees and commanded her take deep breaths while Belle rubbed circle on her back. The hysteria passed Nicholas helped her back up not letting her hand go which she was greatful for Belle bidding them farewell, she saw it. He watched her, it was just a quick glance. Work was done silently but without visitors other then Eli and Colonel Young. After some sleep and during their morning meal of protein she was told she would experience her first away mission. The excitement was only dulled by Nicholas seated at her side staring intensely at Belle, the same look he regarded his work with. When the mission came around the excitement was killed by seeing Nicholas operating the gate no intentions of escorting her but Belle in fatigues with a shy smile and Nicholas's gaze burning upon her back.

Their afternoon was a waste, traipsing through mud and sludge through rain. They gained nothing from the trip and Eli was giving her a headache, did he constantly feel the need to fill any silent void with his voice? She actually held a decent conversation with Belle, she was sweet and kind with a quick wit, well read and utterly likeable. Amanda wanted to hate her but she couldn't find a solid reason. Cleaned and feeling slightly more human in her quarters she let herself cry. Frustration, fear, jealously, longing, hatred and misery all coming out in sobs. It was sheer determination of will that got her through the week before the connection was cut. Her brain ran through the equations and variables of their dynamic finding she was outside variable, Nicholas and Belle circling each other while she felt she was trying to wedge herself between them.

The fourth time she was beginning to question her frequent need for visitation of Destiny. Has her presence been a bribe to keep Nicholas cooperative? Amanda doubted she was more effective then Belle's constant presence. There was not a short demand for use of the communication stones people were desperate with visitation rights on Earth but trapped in the body of quadriplegic was beyond most coping capabilities their willingness to surrender their bodies in the exchange made her think that perhaps there was a bribe or perhaps this a creative punishment.

"Hello Nicholas" she said with a sigh taking her usual console tapping the screen on. Nicholas just stared at her, he looked bewildered. Confused she just scrunched her face at him, "What?" Wide eyed and just as confused he looked scared and perhaps angry? This propelled her confusion why would he look angry? The reflection she caught in the console told her everything. She was Belle.

Her mind played out the possibilities and reasoning but stopped short when Nicholas pulled her into a firm embrace, nearly crushing her to his chest. For the first time in her long solitude her mind quieted and she could just feel, her arms filled with the man she admired and perhaps loved for so long, it disturbed her. The contact was so freely given now it was almost overwhelming in its excess, Nicholas using almost any excuse to reach out for just a moment and let their skin brush. The worse was in private Nicholas was all professional in the control rooms and public areas of the ship, behind closed doors waited warm slow embraces, hands brushed or even tangled in hair, innocent kisses this side of turning naughty. It was everything she had ever wanted and it was breaking her heart. This Nicholas wasn't meant for her, instead hiding behind her, a convient shield, she had seen him do it before with Gloria. Too exposed and vulnerable he picked something to throw himself obsessively into until he didn't have to feel anymore, Gloria's death had been his work, with Belle his shield was herself. Belle the tragic heroine serving herself up as a martyr ready to move aside and let the tragic ill fated couple have a go at a doomed romance while Nick sulked in his corner denying the whole situation.

At this point Amanda wanted to crack both their heads together. When Nicholas tried pulling her into him that night it was aggressive and she really wanted to give in just to make the lie, let it last a little longer pretend those desperate nips on her skins, wondering hands and hungry kisses were all for her. He had to ruin her fragile little fantasy by moaning "her" name. She hated the hysterical jealous female angle but Nicholas was intentionally being dense and twisting the knife just a bit harder was a well deserved bit of revenge. When she left Destiny Nicholas wouldn't speak to her, barely looked at her instead brooding into his console.

The fifth time she uploaded to Destiny the situation had yet to improve by much. Tension was so thick Amanda could wrap it around herself and sleep through all the melodrama. As the first visitation to Destiny Nicholas and Belle were no longer on speaking terms and without her calming stability Nicholas had managed to further alienate the crew to the point they pulled her aboard to intervene. Off handily without Nicholas Belle had a similar reaction, while she put on the brave front she clearly lacked actual response beyond autopilot, it was a pathetic sight to watch them shuffle along. Debriefings of the situation with Young and Wray were little more then pleading and begging for solutions. There was a betting pool based on who snapped first, favors where in Nicholas having a psychotic break down and Young finally stranding the man. Second favorite bet was Belle just walking off in the middle of a mission and never returning, the very thought made Amanda scoff. Through all the torture Nicholas Rush doled out Belle took it with a strait spine and smile, even when she caught them kissing in Camille's quarters that visit, sure it had been fueled by alcohol or what paraded as such Belle just smiled with no comment to follow.

The solution was easy, play the opposing sides against each other by offering each the one thing they feared most. Belle was in the observation deck curled into herself watching the colors of the FTL drive sweeping by mournfully. It wasn't hard to plant the information with just a tiny bit laced with falsehoods. Amanda had promised the family of a certain civilian crewmen aid by personally intervening it wasn't her fault Belle might be under the impression that they might be switching bodies indefinitely as payment, she might just have worded it wrong to give that impression. A similar conversation might have Nicholas conclude the same outcome with Belle taking her place instead of the civilian crewmen, she really had to work on her wording. Of course after that conversation Nicholas stormed off his purpose she really couldn't say but she had a inkling. Without Nicholas work progressed slower and her visit had to be extended by a week but Eli was much more pleasant to work with then usual. Eli had been beyond indebted to her in gratitude which she demanded he repaid in the form of blessed silence.

The Sixth and final time she visited Destiny turned out to be ill fated. Nicholas was paranoid and it worked out poorly for all involved, in fact it ended in her death. She never regretted her association with Dr. Nicholas Rush or the contact with Destiny. She didn't hate Belle for gaining every single thing she longed for or that she was confined to that damn chair. She was something beyond all that now she finally understood that spark Nicholas had in his eyes when he once spoke of the ancients that now appeared when he looked at Belle. They uploaded her consciousness into the computer, the world was hers to manipulate and control, no longer bound by the physical limits of mortality. She was happy, offering assistance to the crew, guiding them in their journey, meddling in various ways that needed. The occasional locking of quarters and control rooms when people didn't need to be bothered by trivial matters, dampening sound waves when certain voices carried due to enthusiastic activities. Creating distractions for a certain squealing bundle of joy eliminated most chances of privacy. For years of struggling with existence and asking why to an unresponsive universe Dr. Amanada Perry finally believed in destiny.


End file.
